I have multiple chronic illnesses, so I spend a lot of time in doctor’s offices. Whenever I have to see a new doctor, giving my medical history takes quite a while. And there are always a lot of questions, especially since most doctors aren’t familiar with one of my two…

Content warning: body shaming. Five years ago this week, my first essay was published on the lifestyle website xoJane. It was a fashion piece, which in hindsight, is hilarious. I’ve never cared much about fashion, but it was a good angle. I was writing about what it was like to…

About a year into my recovery journey, I’d settled in a body that was just on the edge of plus size. In some brands I could still squeeze into a 16. In most brands I was an 18. I could fit into the Large or Extra Large sizes for most…

Content Warning: Fatphobia, discussion of weight gain numbers, discussion of eating disorder behaviors, discussion of suicidal ideation. I knew I was going to gain weight when I stopped relying on eating disorder behaviors. Even though I was never technically underweight, I knew in my gut that my body wasn’t the…

Shortly after I went into treatment for my eating disorder I read Cheryl Strayed’s amazing memoir “Wild.” I identified so strongly with her reckless abandon, with her need to run away, with her longing to do something monumental in the face of personal upheaval. I had the summer off before…

Chapter Fifteen: Giving Up I didn’t really want to give up my eating disorder when I started intensive outpatient treatment. I wanted to stop being miserable. I wanted to eat without feeling the overwhelming shame that flooded my whole being every time I put food in my mouth. I wanted…

Content warning: discussion of eating disorder behaviors. Fight training is serious shit. It requires an incredible amount of discipline, both in and out of training sessions. My trainer, who had been an amateur fighter for years, put together a training plan for me, which included weight training on top of…

Like many spoonies — the affectionate term that those with chronic illnesses use to describe themselves — I spent years thinking I was just a hypochondriac. Because that’s what doctors implied when I started seeing them about my odd collection of symptoms. They implied that I couldn’t possibly be in…

I’ve always viewed my body as something that needed to be fixed. It was never the body I wanted, and on top of that, it was a malfunctioning body. It was sick and no one could figure out why. When I discovered my eating disorder I finally felt like I…